Editor’s note: Barry Laminack is one funny mammal. He is host of Houston Gameday on ESPN 97.5 every Sunday and also appears during the week with Joel Blank. He is a terrific stand-up comedian and frankly one of the funniest people I have ever been around. Over the next few weeks he will be sharing some funny stories from his web site, barryisfunny.com. Check out the site for upcoming comedy shows. And follow him on twitter @barryisfunny I think a lot of us can identify with this story…
Second editor’s note: Contains language that some may find objectionable. Certainly not me, but this is definitely NC-17 material.
By BARRY LAMINACK
Back in high school I was set up on the first and only,blind date I’ve ever been on. To be honest I don’t remember her name so I will use a fictitious one; but the story is the same and still true. So very, very true.
I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and he mentioned to me that he had a chick that he wanted to hook me up with.
“Dude, I’ve got a friend I need to hook you up with. She saw a picture of you and thinks you’re cute,” he told me.
“Cool, give her my number and tell her to call me,” was my obvious reply.
A couple of days go by and the phone rings. It’s her!
We hit it off pretty quickly and spent the following days and weeks on the phone talking, and even though we spent a lot of time conversaing it wasn’t the typical boring conversation that guys have to endure to get what we’re after. She was interesting and funny and cool so naturally after a few days I got curious; so curious in fact that I had to ask her what she looked like.
“Oh, you haven’t seen a picture of me?”, she asked (In hindsight, this should have been a sign).
“No, but I know you’ve seen me. So tell me, what do you look like? Describe yourself to me,” I replied.
“Well let’s see, I’m about 5’4” tall, I’m medium build, I have medium length hair, I’m caramel colored (Yup, ol’ Barry had an affinity for the sista’s back in the day), and I have a cute mole on my face!”
“DAMN, a mole!?!? Really?” I said just messing with her.
“Yes, but it’s cute! It’s kind of like Cindy Crawford’s, at least everyone tells me that.” She says.
“So who do you look like? I mean, what celebrity do you like?” I asked. I thought this would be a good way for me to tell how she looks based on her response and her description of herself.
“Most people say I look like Lisa Bonet.”
“NO SHIT!?!? Damn, she’s hot!” – (Understand, this was 1990 – back when Lisa still had her fastball).
Now fully invested (and mostly because I’ve got a thing for Lisa Bonet) I spent countless hours on the phone with this chick. We talked about anything and everything. After all, I was in high school so I would have done anything to get in her pants, even if it meant I had to talk on the phone for hours on end.
Weeks go by and we continued to talk, until…
It was a Friday night and I don’t remember why but I decided to stay home that night. My mom was home too so we were just chillin’ out watching TV.
Then the doorbell rang.
I answered it and it was my friend that I mentioned earlier.
“What’s up man. What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, surprised to see him.
“Just kicking it man. We were in the area and thought we’d swing by,” he replied.
“Yeah, dude, I got Cheryl with me and she really wants to see you.”
“That’s cool. Hold on one second.”
I closed the door and turned to my mom in the living room and said, “Mom that chick I’ve been talking to on the phone is here. Is it cool if she comes in for a second and then we leave and go hang out someplace else?”
“I don’t see why not,” my mom replied. (Moms was always cool like that)
I ran to my room and threw on my most freshest Cross Colours outfit. If I recall, it was my overall shorts (they were my favorite). I threw a couple of condoms in my wallet and went back into the living room.
Just as I returned to the living room there was another knock on the door. It was her.
Damn, all of a sudden I got really nervous. What if she thinks I’m ugly? What if she thinks I’m too skinny (back in high school I weigh about 140 lbs)? Even thought I was nervous, at the same time I was really excited.
THIS CHICK LOOKS LIKE LISA FREAKIN’ BONET!
I remember thinking to myself, “Oh man, I hope I get to hit it tonight, this is gonna be so awesome!”
WHISKEY. TANGO. FOXTROT.
I opened the door and there she was, all of her. All 350 pounds of the ugliest “caramel” colored woman you’ve ever seen in your whole entire life.
I just froze.
I didn’t know what to do. My first instinct was to block the door, and I probably would have if I wasn’t scared that she might push me down and trample me (why, I don’t know, but she could have if she wanted to). I don’t think I said anything for like 5-10 seconds, and that’s a long time to stand there facing somebody in silence. I just remember staring at her and thinking, “You lying bitch! You don’t look like Lisa Bonet; you look like you ate Lisa Bonet!”
It must have been an pretty long pause because the next voice I here was my mom saying, “Honey, why don’t you invite your friend in?”
“No mom, I don’t want to do that. Why don’t you just mind your own fucking business,” I thought to myself.
“Hey,” I managed. “I’m Barry. You want to come in?”
“Hi, I’m Cheryl.” She replied. “That’d be great; it’s hot out here.”
I opened the door as wide as it could go and got out of the way. As she waddled her way inside, I don’t know why but the first thing I did as I closed the door was look at my mom’s face.
“Hi darling, I’m Barry’s mom. Come on in and have a seat,” She said clearing the papers off the couch. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Thank you ma’am,” she said as she sat down and ruined our couch springs.
I don’t know why I said what I did next (OK, it’s probably because I was even more of a smartass back then than I am now).
“You want something to drink or some cookies or something?”
My mother glanced at me as if to say, “Keep it together son, we can do this. I’ve got your back.”
“Sure, I’ll take something to drink.” She said.
So I went into the kitchen and made her a glass of Coke, and as I’m doing so my mom is making small talk. I return, hand her the drink and go sit down at the other end of the couch.
Cheryl, turns to me and says, “Well it’s good to finally meet you in person after talking to you on the phone for so long. You are as cute in person as you are in your picture,”
“Thanks,” I replied.
“You’ve got a mole just like you said you did.”
That’s pretty much all I could think of to say at that moment in time. Truth be told, it’s really all I could say. She didn’t look like Lisa Bonet, she was more navy than caramel and apparently our definitions of “medium build” where altogether different.
“We are all gonna go hang out for a little while, you wanna roll with us,” she asked me.
Well shit, now what? Why did I not see this coming and think of something to say sooner. Think Barry. Think!
I had nothing. I glanced over at my mom and she just sat their staring at me. I could tell she wanted to laugh, but she was doing a great job of hiding it.
“Uh, well. I don’t know. Mom, can I go?”, I asked in desperate need of help. I didn’t know what else to do or say; my goose was pretty much cooked (and I’m pretty sure Cheryl was gonna want seconds…and thirds).
“Oh Cheryl, I’m sorry sweetie but Barry is grounded. He got in a bit of trouble this week at school and he won’t be going anywhere for a while.”
Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? Did my mom just pull off the wingman move of the century?
I remember thinking to myself, “YES! Fuck yes! You are the fucking man mom! I will never be bad ever again as long as I live!”
Ok, calm down, play it cool Barry.
“Aww shit. I forgot about that. You sure? C’mon mom.” I half-ass pleaded.
In hindsight, This was a risky move on my part, trying to play it cool that is. My mother has been known to be a bit of a practical joker. She could have very easly said, “OK, you can go,” and then I would have been eaten alive by a caramel colored bear with medium length hair (both on her mole and on her head).
Thankfully, she mercifully replied back, “I’m sorry honey, but rules are rules.”
HELL YES THEY ARE! Even if they are totally made up!
At this point, I was thinking clearly again, thanks to my mom’s quick wit. Now was the time to pull all the way out. It’s now or never.
“I guess I’m not going to be able to talk on the phone then either, am I?”, I said.
She nodded in agreement and I wept tears of joy on the inside. I fucking love you mom!
After a bit more small talk, I walked Cheryl to the door, told her it was good to meet her and wished her a good night. Closing the door, I turned and looked at my mom…and she just sat there.
Not one word was said for the next 30 minutes or so, and as we sat watching TV I started to chuckle (as did she). Pretty soon we we’re both laughing pretty hard at my expense. We talked and laughed about it for hours, and still do to this day.
In summary (and for those who want the pictures only version).
I was expecting this:
And this showed up: