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Snakes on a train: Dealing with the MetroRail crazies

Editor’s note: Disco Biscuit is a great twitter follow and a regular social media contributor to the show. Having seen the homeless on MetroRail, it’s easy to appreciate her story. Follow her on Twitter @discobiscuit127

By DISCO BISCUIT

I’m Disco Biscuit. I’m strange. And I ride the train with the other strange people in Houston. This is my story.

I ride the train almost every day. Pretty much everything I do is in Montrose where I live or in downtown/midtown. The train is a solid 10 minute walk so I use it all the time. My house is close to the Wheeler street station — or as the kids call it, “Kush Korner” — I guarantee you this is the station you least want to get off the train at after dark. But some of the craziest, funniest stuff happens in broad daylight.

Saturday afternoon I decided to take baby Biscuit over to the park because it was a beautiful day. We pack our lunch, grab some books and a ball and off we go. Walk over to the train station – trains already there, sweet!

We’re sitting in our seats just chatting about stuff and a guy sits down across from us and proceeds to mumble some shit in my direction. I hate to be an asshole, but I ignore him. I’m not trying to be rude but I can’t understand a single word this dude is saying and I need to focus on my kid. He gets louder. He can “sense my aura.”

“I’m shining because of all the blessings from God.” Uh, no offense dude but if I’ve got a ton of blessings from God right now we’ve got a real different definition of “blessings.”

He goes on and on about my blessings and my aura and how women don’t reach their spiritual maturity until their late 20’s and then bam! He hits me with the kicker – I’ve already crossed over. I double checked with my kiddo and she confirmed that she could see and hear me and that my body was completely opaque so I’m thinking he might be wrong about that, but can’t say for sure.

So I’m done with this conversation if you can call it that. This man then looks at me and starts to tell me that he’s trying to reconnect with his kids because he really misses them but he can’t because he doesn’t have the money and could I just help him out? OK, I really admire the long con here. He’s been around the block once or twice. He clearly knows you can’t just walk up to people and lead off with a request for cash. It takes more than that these days. You need a really good lead in: “Good morning, how are you? Oh good? Well you’re beautiful aura is blinding me and FYI you’re already dead. Think I could GET like 3 bucks for train fare?”

I obviously don’t have any money to give this man so I’m like nah dude I don’t have anything but good luck. And this is when STUFF GETS REAL.

He’s very upset, he doesn’t believe that I don’t have any money because I can afford tattoos and I look good. I just ignore him. He does not like this; I’ve offended him. He starts hitting invisible baseballs in my direction, he’s really lobbing them up and letting them fly. He’s batting a thousand at my face and it’s not nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be, so he starts frantically running around the train. People start to look at me with pity in their eyes, the situation gets dire when he accuses me of stealing a bag he was at no point carrying.

Finally – thank god – Main Street Square. This is our stop we are almost home free. But no, guess who follows us onto the platform. He grabs my ass. This is no longer funny – so I turn to him and yell as loudly as I can – “I HAVE NOTHING. DO NOT FOLLOW ME. GO AWAY!”

He hits one final grand slam shot at my face and goes running off. I’m fairly certain I’m still alive, I’ve spoken in person to multiple people that I don’t think I would haunt in the afterlife. I do not look forward to running into the evangelical Babe Ruth again though.

1 Comment on Snakes on a train: Dealing with the MetroRail crazies

  1. WOW! This is an encounter I DO NOT want to have!

    Like

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