Editor’s note: Barry Laminack is one funny individual. He is host of Houston Gameday on ESPN 97.5 every Sunday and also appears during the week with Joel Blank. He is a terrific stand-up comedian and frankly one of the funniest people I have ever been around. We have been sharing some of his amusing stories over the past few weeks from his web site, barryisfunny.com. Check out the site for upcoming comedy shows. And follow him on twitter @barryisfunny. This one appears in honor of Halloween.
Second editor’s note: Contains language that some may find objectionable. Certainly not me, but this is definitely NC-17 material.
By BARRY LAMINACK
When I was about 7 or 8 years old ( I don’t really remember my exact age) I told my mom that I wanted to dress up for (and win) the costume contest at school. So she came up with the idea to dress me up like a realistic looking mummy.
She took a bunch of white bed sheets and cut them into strips. She cut them, tore them, rubbed them in dirt, basically did all kinds of things to make them look old and decayed.
The morning of school she woke me up early because it was going to take some time to get me “ready.”
First thing she does is put long-johns on me, “just in case there is a hole in the costume, they won’t see skin, so it will be more realistic.” Sounds good mom, thanks for thinking of everything!
So her and my older sister begin to wrap me in these ragged torn strips of 100% cotton bed sheets.
So they wrapped.
And before you know it, I am covered from head to toe in three layers of “mummy wrappings”. I was wrapped up so good, I could hardly walk (think Ralphie’s little brother in “A Christmas Story.”)
I was so “mummified” that there was no way that I could walk to the bus stop, so I had to be dragged to it in a red wagon.
At school, my day went something like this:
Sorry I’m late, it took me 5 extra minutes to get to class because I can barely walk.
Man, I can’t wait for the end of the day, I am so going to win this contest.
Bell rings, time for second period
Sorry I’m late…
Man, this is going to be great when I win, but damn it’s getting kind of warm. I can’t carry my own books and I need help to stand up. I need some water, I’m starting to get hot.
“TEACHER, can you take me to the water fountain and then my next class so I’m not late.”
JESUS CHRIST I’M SWEATING LIKE A FUCKING FAT KID AT FAT CAMP! It’s soooo hot.
I can’t eat because my mouth is covered. Offers to uncover my head are denied for fear it will ruin my costume, and thus my chances and claiming MY first place prize for BEST COSTUME!
What’s that Miss Littleton? HEEELLL NO, I’m not going outside…are you crazy, its f*cking hot enough in here in the A/C.
10 minutes into class
“Miss, I think I need to go to the nurse…I don’t feel so good.”
“What’s wrong Barry,” the nurse asks.
“I don’t feel so…BLAHHHHH BLAAAHHH BLLLAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH BLLLAAAHHHH BBBLLLAAAAHHHH”
I vomited inside my mummy suit and proceeded to pass out from heat stroke.
I wake up to find my mom hovering over me crying and telling me how sorry she was for doing this to me.
My only words…”Did I win?”
“Yes honey,” she replied. “Look, here is your ribbon.”
My vision still a bit blurry, I held it close to my face so I could read it:
“HONORABLE MENTION!” I yelled.
“You revived me for THAT!?!? You should have just let me die!”