Editor’s note: Disco Biscuit is a frequent contributor to the site. Follow her on Twitter @discobiscuit127
By DISCO BISCUIT
On the Blitz the other day, Fred and A.J. spent basically the entire show hypothesizing on whether a man could beat a wolf in a fight, then what animals they could beat in a fight. Which led me to the real question – why are men constantly thinking about what animals they could beat? I love it. I have NEVER thought about what animal I could beat in a fight. I’m not really an outdoorsy gal, so the extent of my thought on this is like whenever my daughter is petting a large dog I think if this dog attacked her could I take it. I think the answer is yes – it’s called mom strength and it’s real.
But, after the show I spent the evening thinking about what animals I could beat. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve done no research outside of google and honestly very little of that but here it is – my starting 5 of animals I could beat in a fight.
A group of small children – as long as there are no more than about 3-4 and they aren’t coming in waves. My plan of attack is simple – I knock the first one down and then use it to hit the rest of the children in a circular motion. I’ve seen more than one kung fu movie, and this tactic works, y’all.
A dog from the small side of the dog park – I would punt the dog, and it wouldn’t come back. Small dogs can be very vicious and they can also jump pretty high. I was bitten by my mom’s chiweenie (this is a chihuahua mixed with a wiener dog. They are so stupid) and it hurt so bad. But as long as the dog can’t get close enough to lunge at me, I think I’m fine. But the BIG DOG side? No thank you. I saw a Great Dane over there bigger than a miniature horse the other day.
A bunny rabbit – OK, so Prince Charming bit me today when I tried to push him out from under my kitchen table so I could leave the house. They also can’t be punted because they are real scurriers. He hops around the apartment at an amazing pace. But I think if he jumped at my face I could put my arms up fast enough that he couldn’t get to my throat and then I’d break his neck. The crucial mistake in Monty Python and the Holy Grail was that they entered the fight doubting the rabbit’s panache. Not me. I would use the shield appropriately to keep it away from my neck. Easy peasy.
A horse – If I had a bat a horse would be so easy to fight. Horse legs are amazingly fragile. They break from RUNNING for god sakes and they have to be put down right there on the track. Google says the average woman’s baseball swing is around 60 mph for a division 2 college athlete. I haven’t swung a baseball bat in over 15 years; but I do work out every day. I’ve seen college softball on at the bar on a Saturday afternoon before and I don’t want to toot my own horn but I will – I’m in better shape than them.
A feral cat – If that lady in Colorado could punch a mountain lion and then pry her child from it’s teeth than certainly so could I. But that lady lives in rural Colorado, and I live in the middle of Houston, which means my access to mountain lions is severely limited. Feral cats? Not so much – there are about 15 that live by our apartment dumpster mating and fighting all day and night. As long as they don’t all come at me at once if one of those feral cats had my daughter in it’s mouth, I could kill it for sure.
Would I have jumped in Harambe’s cage to save my daughter? No, because that would have only made it more scared. I would have done what any smart person does – get the guy with the gun. Am I sorry Harambe died? Sure… But Colin Cowherd wasn’t wrong when he said gorillas haven’t discovered the cure for cancer. In Harambe’s defense neither have humans so honestly who’s to say what he could have done had he been given the chance.
Animals that could kill me even though I have a considerable size advantage? Roaches. I can’t kill them. I just cower in the corner and cry until it decides to scurry off. It’s rather humiliating but I have to be honest here, a roach who is aware it’s in a fight with me would take me down very quickly.
What animals could y’all beat? I want to keep this conversation going as long as possible.