Editor’s Note: Jeff is a sports and whiskey enthusiast with the humor of an adolescent boy. Follow him on Instagram @jspringmeier for stereotypical millennial photos. This is his first offering.
By JEFF SPRINGMEIER
Sports (and stuff)! I moved to Houston a few years ago to pursue my lifelong dream of rotting away in a cubicle and getting stuck in rush hour traffic. If only I knew about the wonderful tsunami-esque rain that Houston received, I would have relocated years ago. I mean, who doesn’t want it to be 95 degrees and sunny when they are knee deep in water and sewage run-off. Speaking of sewage run-off, let’s talk about our good ol’ Houston sports teams. While not the teams specifically, but the Houston fair-weather fans that I have come to know and hate.
Houston Astros Fans
The days of the “Killer B’s” are over, but the Astros have some of the best talent in the American League. I have been to a few games down at Minute Maid and one thing is for certain, the fans suck. Firstly, Houston is closing in on the third-largest city in the country, and to see empty sections in rivalry games is extremely depressing. Altuve and Correa are all-stars and the starting pitching is coming around. Show some frickin’ support for your team. I should never be able to sneak down to the 3rd base-line in the 4th inning because you didn’t want to miss the turtle races at Little Woodrow’s. I’ve seen the Skeeters fill a stadium better than the Astros. Out of all the major sports teams of Houston, this one has the best chance at winning a championship, so show them the support they deserve.
Houston Rockets Fans
On a more positive note, I feel Houston Rocket’s fans are a lot more optimistic and dedicated to their team. Harden is on a tear like no other right now, and with the support of Gordon, Anderson, Capella and the rest, the future is looking bright for the Rockets. My issue is that fans keep pushing for Harden for MVP rather than addressing the needs of the team. Harden may be the best player in the league this year and for the foreseeable future, but that won’t win the Rockets a championship. No one remembers that Steph Curry was MVP last year, they just remember his face when the Cavs came back from 3-1 in the finals. So, stop campaigning the NBA for Harden to win the Podoloff Trophy and start campaigning Daryl Morey to pick-up a legit rim protector. The Rockets should be contenders in the West for several years to come.
Houston Texans Fans
Finally, I saved the worst for last. I pity you. Yes, you! The guy with the Texans car magnet/hitch protector combo on his jacked up, low self-esteem truck. You know who you are. August will roll around and you will tell your co-workers and unwilling listeners that “This is the Texan’s year”. How “we” will fix the QB situation, and with J.J.’s return, “our” defense will be comparable to the ’85 Bears. October comes, the QB sucks more than a Dyson, and the defense is banged up, yet you still tell Jim in accounting not to worry, “they” will turn it around. December finally hits and you wake up from your depressed, drunken stupor, contemplating starting an angry mob, calling for Bill to be executed on Discovery Green, and experiencing the same Déjà vu you have had for the last fifteen years. But I have some words of encouragement for you; the Texans are a damn good team. They are a QB, Interior O-lineman, Head Coach, and GM away from a championship. Keep your head up fictional fan. Good times are ahead.
This all being said; Houston’s sports future is looking on the bright side. You could be a LA or NY fan and struggle through the next decade of rebuilding years. So, stop complaining and go support your team.