By DISCO BISCUIT
As we’ve continued to talk about since the NFL season ended in February, the Texans should have some QB options in free agency. Two of the most prominent free agents are Mr. Tony Romo and Sir Jay Cutler. Tony Romo’s body is literally made from a bag of spaghetti noodles and Cutler is the actual human embodiment of this gif.
The Texans trading Osweiler for nothing plus also the opportunity to not have Rick Smith screw up another second round pick has opened up a nice chunk of money they can use to get one of these aging QBs. But why would you want to? As a lifelong fan of Houston sports teams, I know what will happen if one of them comes here. Tony Romo will break his collarbone five minutes into the first preseason game. Jay Cutler will be signed to the Texans and he’ll get emphysema and his unvaccinated kids will spread polio throughout the city.
With the Texans losing both A.J. Bouye and Quintin Demps as well as John Simon who was a great special teams player, I worry the defense may not be as dominant as it was last season. Who knows what JJ Watt will be when he steps back on the field apart from his usual cache of gym snapchat videos, inspirational instagram messages, and passive aggressive tweets.
As Houston sports fans we’ve seen it all – Jacoby Jones dropped a punt in 2012 and the very next season won a superbowl with the Ravens. Brad Lidge gave up the series losing home run to the White Sox in 2005 and then in 2008 pitched a perfect season and won the World Series with the Phillies. David Carr won a Superbowl with the Giants after spending years being driven into the ground here. Houston is a miserable sports city. The Astros have never won a World Series, the Texans have never even been close to a Super Bowl, and the Oilers blown half-time lead in 1993 is continually shoved down our throats every time there’s a major comeback. Even the Rockets’ last NBA championship was 22 years ago – which probably explains why more people care if James Harden is MVP more than what seeding the Rockets have in the playoffs. We’re conditioned to be sad and miserable and we always will be.
Here’s an update on our bones story from last week: It sounds like the family who bought the house and discovered the bones has put the house back on the market. First of all – ya think? I mean they founds BONES IN THE FREAKING WALL. But second of all – why would you move? The body isn’t decomposing anymore and the bones have been picked clean by vermin. At this point you just found a pile of bones. No harm, no foul.
Rocket roll: Another solid win from the Rockets on Sunday night. James Harden had ANOTHER triple double and is proving why he’s a solid MVP candidate. I was impressed with this victory. The Cavs were leading by double digits multiple times during the game, but the Rockets managed to come out on top. No thanks to some really bad shooting in the first part of the game. I honestly wondered at one point if either of these teams had ever scored. And James Harden missing like five free throws. I feel like if your entire game is predicated on drawing fouls you absolutely can’t miss free throws, but that’s just me. A fan ran onto the court, and it was a lackluster effort all around. I mean – running onto the court during a basketball game isn’t a great move. Unlike in football or baseball there’s really nowhere to go. He was quickly surrounded by about five security guards and just kind of fell down. I assume his BAC was over the legal limit.
Bracket time: It’s tournament season, so it’s time for everyone in sports media to start pretending like they have been watching college basketball all season. I for one can’t wait to fill out my NCAA tournament bracket. I do not follow college basketball except during March Madness as an excuse to spend the day drinking and watching sports, so I’ll be using my tried of true method of picking the 1 seeds to advance in the first round and then having my daughter pick the remaining spots out of a hat. I like this article from a couple years back about the five most annoying office bracket people.
In case you missed it: a really interesting story about the culture behind St. Patrick’s Day. I loved the history lesson. Especially since I usually spend my St. Patty’s over at Griffs with the other neighborhood degenerates. So maybe this year I’ll attend Mass before I head over.
Also, Lamont Mann weighs in on Mike Florio’s lack of Texans knowledge and Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Also, Fred Faour’s picks for closing day at Sam Houston and a first time effort looking at Houston fans from a non-native Houstonian.
Movie review of the week: Get Out. Get Out might honestly be the best horror movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t want to be hyperbolic, but I saw the preview for this movie in theaters and laughed about it later with my friends because it seemed so ridiculous. But no, it’s an amazing directorial debut from Jordan Peele that doesn’t rely on cheap jumps or gore. When Chris goes to the suburbs to meet his girlfriend’s parents they awkwardly attempt to seem cool around him (like her dad tells him he loves Obama and would have voted for him for a third term) but we soon learn they have sinister motives. I think this movie can single-handedly bring down the hypnosis industry. Plus it gave me this great tweet from Peele after Ben Carson referred to slaves as immigrants.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What’s there to understand? You just get a boner, slap her titties around some, and then stick it inside her and pee. Unless you don’t want to get her pregnant then you just pull it out and pee on her leg.”
– Cartman, South Park.
HOTTIE OF THE DAY