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Learn to speak Wife-anese, Rockets win, NCAA First Four, Chubby Bunny and The Fappening Part 2: The update for March 16

James Harden and the Rockets are not moving the needle.

Editor’s note: Barry Laminack is one funny individual. He is host of The Usual Suspects with Joel Blank from 1-4 each day on ESPN 97.5.  He is a terrific stand-up comedian and frankly one of the funniest people you will meet. Check out his web site, for upcoming comedy shows and follow him on twitter @barryisfunny


First of all, I hope you all got to celebrate March 14th, also known as Steak and BJ day (or as we call it in my house…steak day).


Up next on the calendar is everyones favorite drinking holiday, St. Patrick’s day. Or as we call it in my house, “I know it’s St. Patricks day but I hate crowds so I don’t want to go, but you can go and no I won’t be mad, but if you read my body language I’m totally going to be mad so go out at your own risk” day.


As you can see, I’m bilingual; I speak both English and wife-anese.


Here, let me give you a few more examples:


Phrase: “So what are you doing on Saturday?”
Translation: “I have a bunch of sh– for you to do around the house, so don’t make any last minute plans.”


Phrase: “We’re not going to get each other anything for Valentines Day this year.”
Translation: “I’m not getting YOU anything because you’re a guy, but if you ever want to see the inside of my bra again, you had better get me something.”


OK, on to the sports…


OMG! SO MUCH SPORTS LAST NIGHT! I tried to watch a little bit of all of it, so here goes nothing!


Rockets vs Lakers
The Rockets rolled the Lakers 139-100. There was all-star caliber defense being played in this game, and I don’t mean the good kind either. I’m talking the 192-182 West defeats the East kind. Bad. If the Lakers are trying to suck the rest of the year so they don’t lose that protected 1st round pick to the 76ers, they are nailing it.


A few game notes:
  • This is the second game in a row that the Rockets have defeated the Lakers by exactly 39 points.
  • James Harden put up his 17th Westbrook (Translation: Triple double) of the season.
  • Lou Williams torched his old Lakers team for 30 points.
  • Corey Brewer? He finally was able to help the Rockets win a game by putting up 4 whole points and turned in a game worst -28 plus-minus for his 22 minutes of playing time. But hey, HE SURE CAN RUN THE FLOOR FAST!
  • The Rockets shot 41.9% from behind the 3-point stripe. The Lakers shot a nice round TWELVE PERCENT! HOLY SH–! That is YMCA 8 and under bad!

Day 2 of the NCAA “First Four” games
Day 1 was the tale of 2 games. Game 1 between Mount St. Mary’s and New Orleans was fun. New Orleans would choke (each other) and then eventually go on to lose the game. Game 2 was sloppy and boring and I fell asleep towards the end, but if you’re a K-State fan they moved on and Wake Forest went home.

Day 2 went much better.

Chima Moneke put up 18 points and pulled down 12 boards as the UC Davis Aggies held off the North Carolina Central Eagles 67-63. The last of the 4 “First Four” games saw USC storm back and get some sweet revenge by beating the Providence Friars 75-71. Providence knocked USC out of the tourney last year in the first round (70-69),

NIT First Round Action
HAHAHA, just kidding.

WBC Baseball

If you’re not watching any of this WBC action, you’re missing some of the best baseball you’re likely to see all year. Most of the games are like bonus all-star games that mean a LOT to all the players involved.


Venezuela jumped out to a 2-0 lead but team USA came back with a run in the 7th, a lead off solo blast from Adam Jones in the 8th followed 1 out later by a 2 run shot from Eric Hosmer that put the Americans up 4-2.


The scarcely used Alex Bregman of your Houston Astros (until Wednesday’s game, he had one at bat and a half inning in the field) batted ninth and showed well. He got a couple of knocks including one in the seventh inning to keep a two out rally going and then walked to load the bases in the eighth.


The US would hold on to win 4-2 in yet another outstanding WBC game. And guess who got the save.


Go ahead, I’ll wait.


Give up?




Yes, the former set-up man, turned closer, turned not closer, turned kind of closer Luke Gregerson of your Houston Astros got the save.


I won’t bore you with much more, but if you’re even remotely interested in baseball, give a few of these games a watch. You’ll thank me later.




NASCAR finally did something I was interested in watching…a CHUBBY BUNNY contest (not what you think, perv).


Texas state Rep. Jessica Farrar introduced a bill that would fine men $100 each time they masturbate. In related news, experts project a record budget surplus for the next eleventy-five years in Texas. SO MUCH MONEY!


Speaking of masturbating, do you remember “The Fappening“? There could be a Part 2.


Quote of the day:
“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”
– Yogi Berra


Hottie of the day:


Oh, last thing. I have a show at the Houston Improv TONIGHT (March 16th). It’s called “Couples Therapy (with Alan Adams).” Five comics talk relationships, then we have a panel and answer audience questions about sex and…OK, pretty much just sex stuff.
You should come and for god’s sake bring your spouse, idiot. Get tickets here.
About Barry Laminack (40 Articles)
Talented, funny, handsome, creative, fun to be around, well endowed, great body,smart, liar.

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