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The adventures of Captain Doofie: Black Friday took all our money

Editor’s note: Brien is a well-traveled Houstonian and Army Combat Veteran with an extremely wide range of talents and interests including the NFL (Packers), Irish History, and writing. Follow him on twitter @ODonalsVanguard


This is the first installment of a series based on the life and times of Captain Doofie. It is a true story and any activities described should not be performed. Captain Doofie is a professional party enhancer and has been doing so for many years. Enjoy!

The fall of 2009 was an interesting time for Captain Doofie. He had returned to his home state after he and his wife split. His days were spent working as a general contractor and his nights were enjoyed in the company of his parents and neighbors. He recently heard from a friend who was driving across the country to spend Thanksgiving with his family two hours north of him. The plan was for his friend Kevin to drive down Friday morning and they would meet up and spend the weekend hanging out. The two hadn’t seen each other in a few years because they had both left the Army and moved to different parts of the globe. They had kept in touch, but these two friends who used to see each other every day and party every night were looking forward to reliving the glory days.

That day was here and he was doing everything he could to get off of work early and meet with his friend. Kevin was already in town and having a drink at an airport bar with a mutual friend. Doofie wasn’t going to be meeting Kevin at the airport bar so he had some time to get changed before the night kicked off. He was almost done when Kevin drove up. The men embraced tightly and looked at each other to see how each had changed over time. They went into the house to finish getting ready and introduce Kevin to Captain Doofie’s parents. It was a nice reunion for the pair and as there was now plenty of excitement Captain Doofie was quick to finish getting ready so they could head out for the night.

After stopping for a fast food dinner, the men grabbed a couple of road pops to get the night started then decided on their destination. There is a part of town that contains several bars in close proximity and it would be easy for the pair to bar hop if they so desired. The road there was a freeway through the heart of the city, and the stretch was the perfect opportunity to let the Captain get a little wild. His idea of fun was to say “Roll down the window, I’m going to moon the freeway.” He then began unbuckling his belt while Kevin had to take a second to realize Doofie was serious. For the next few minutes Captain Doofie sat on the door frame with his bare ass catching the breeze while Kevin honked the horn to get the attention of any vehicles they passed.

The guys had their adrenaline pumping and that stunt was all the talk as they pulled up to the area with the bars. It was still a little early when they got there so they casually strolled into an empty barroom looking for a place to set up for the night. They wanted to make sure they could see the entire room. They were loose thanks to the beers they had on their way there and they started by ordering more and adding a shot to go along with it. Things were pretty calm until the evening crowd began to arrive, but when the pianos fired up the boys were ready to go to work.

They enjoyed a few beers and some cheap shots until a conversation was started with an older woman at the bar. Doofie immediately went for it all in and took Kevin with him to the other side of the room. There they were able to introduce themselves to even more women who were there that night. It wasn’t long before Kevin and Doofie were drunk and excited. There was plenty of seductive dancing and body rubbing in an effort to make the women more interested in an after party, although Kevin knew there was no chance of that. By this time it was a little too late. Doofie had managed to make nice with that older woman he spoke to at the bar and he decided to hedge his bet on her. His only problem was his speech and motor skills.

Kevin was standing a few tables over talking to a group of women when he heard a crash of glass, and slight scream and a muttering apology. The Captain had been a little too close to her and he knocked her drink from her hand onto the ground. Doofie apologized and bought her another drink but it was only a few minutes later that he did it again. Now it was Kevin who saw what happened and that his friend was in no shape to be around her. He gave the money to the woman’s friend for another drink and pulled the Captain away. This time Doofie decided to focus his efforts elsewhere. It wasn’t long before he was standing on a chair and pouring beer into his mouth from about 6 inches above it. From there he went back to the old woman to brag about what he had done and as he slid into the chair next to her he knocked her drink out of her hand.

It was at this point the woman’s friend was pissed off. She began yelling at Doofie and then Kevin. He gave her money for another drink and apologized. He dragged Doofie away and was just hoping not to be thrown out of the bar. They were able to rejoin the group of women Kevin had been talking to because as younger women, they thought everything the pair of men said and did was hilarious. Luckily it was closing time by now because if they hadn’t been kicked out yet, Captain Doofie’s next act would have surely been met with that result had it occurred earlier. It was one of his most famous moves on the dance floor, the shirt rip. That’s right, he stood there in the middle of their little area of the bar, moved his body pretending to be Mick Jagger and concluding by ripping his shirt open sending buttons flying all over the place.

There he was shirt open for all to see. More beer was poured into his mouth without a bottle touching his lips, this time allowing it to cascade down his chest. Lastly, like he was always known to do; Kevin convinced Doofie to show his famous tattoo. One of the Captain’s distinguishing marks is a unique tattoo on his butt cheek. It’s the kind that makes everyone laugh and it is made better by the fact that there is no shame on Doofie’s part showing it. From there it was time to move on. The bar was closing and the women were heading home. The men were on their own again. The first move was to secure more beer and figure out what to do with the rest of the night.

They got in the car and just started driving. They had no idea what would be the next move. All the bars would be closed and neither of them wanted to just go home and sleep it off. It was then that it was explained to Kevin that beer was sold much later there and they could stop somewhere to refill while they figured out what to do. Kevin was driving but since it wasn’t his city he just followed the directions of his friend. This included instructions to power slide under the freeway under passes and burn rubber for no apparent reason. Finally they found a store and bought themselves a six pack.

Then the idea was tossed out: strip club. That was the only place that would be open at that time of the night and would offer them a place to drink their beer outside of the car. They had to find one first though and that could prove to be a problem. Doofie had an idea of where there was one nearby but he wasn’t sure. When they got on a main road they saw a store with an open sign and decided to get directions. It wasn’t until they got inside that they discovered why the store was open so late. It was a porn store. They laughed a little bit at the appearance of two drunk guys stumbling into a porn store at 2:30 but they were on a mission so they went right to the man behind the counter. He explained that the strip club was just down the road and in less than two minutes the guys were back on their mission.

After orienting themselves to the direction they needed to go Captain Doofie and Kevin hit the road again. They drove for about 10 minutes before thinking they had gone too far and turned around. They were having a pretty good time so even heading back the other direction for ten minutes seemed like a long time. The stores looked familiar and Doofie knew the club was somewhere around them so they kept driving. A few minutes later they decided to turn around again and ask for directions. They saw only one store open so they pulled into the parking lot to ask for directions. Neither of them realized where they were until they were told. They went into the store and walked right up to the counter.

The man was standing there with a puzzled look on his face. “You two were just here asking for the same directions.” Kevin and Doofie looked around and realized they had come back to the same porn store they went into earlier. They got the same directions but with a little more description of the signs they needed to look for. Within five minutes they were at their destination laughing because it was right around the corner. They couldn’t believe it was so hard for them to find the place. At around 3 a.m. the place was practically empty. There was one old man in the center of the room and one dancer on the stage.

They took seats right up front and cracked open their beers, laughing because it was a pretty trashy club and they were the kind of losers who go there at 3 a.m. After the stage emptied and the room was waiting for the next dancer they were approached by one of the dancers and offered a private dance. Doofie was pretty much out of money so Kevin decided he would pay for a dance. He wasn’t surprised when he received only a short dance and was then propositioned for more. After all, it’s the kind of thing that’s done in a trashy strip club at that time of night. He declined and returned to his friend who was laughing at all the glitter covering Kevin. They finished their beers and got out of there quickly. It was boring and with little money left between them it was time to go home.

They made it back to Doofie’s house a little after 4 and only had enough energy to throw their clothes on the ground and pass out on the bed. There was no shame between the two friends who had been through all sorts of hell in prior years. The bed was enough room for them to share and they passed out in only a few minutes. When he woke the next morning, Kevin looked around like he didn’t know where he was. After a few minutes he realized Doofie was already up and about and it was only about 8:30 a.m. He wanted more sleep but knew that he was only in town for one more day and there was probably another adventure waiting for him outside the bedroom door. He went out for breakfast and afterward the two men figured out that in one night each had spent all the money they had for the next few weeks. Kevin was going to have only gas money left to drive home. He enjoyed a cheap Saturday visiting spots around the city and having a few beers out that night. It was at midnight when the men were done for the night Kevin decided he had to end his visit. At midnight he hit the road to home with barely any money and one hell of a story about a night out with Captain Doofie.

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