News Ticker

Astros win! The worst championship game ever! Crazy women yelling over kisses! The update for April 4

Happy Tuesday everyone! 

I saw the below video online earlier today and it’s a magical six minutes. A quick set up – a Redditor posted this video and apparently he and his girlfriend were in line at a sandwich shop and he had his arms around her and gave her a kiss on her forehead. Things devolved from there.  This video is NSFW!

There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s break down the game film:

Derogatory name count: 17 times in six minutes! That’s got to be a world record. Something tells me this woman hasn’t been touched intimately in a very long time. And I empathize with her, we all like to tear down people who have it better than us and she clearly didn’t appreciate being reminded that after she pays for this salad she’ll have to head home alone (again) to her three cats and old movies. Sad!

Time Stamp: :57 – Threatens to alert the authorities to illegal behavior: We aren’t even one minute into this video and we’ve got a hero on our hands, folks.  I usually don’t advocate wasting a police officer’s time by having them come to a restaurant because you are such a prude you can’t handle a little PDA in line but they were having intercourse on the salad bar! Just can’t have that.

Time Stamp: 1:02 – Argument over whether the restaurant is a private or public space:  After being so certain that this was a private place, she gives up after a few seconds and goes back to focusing on the clear prostitution case she just thwarted. Mad props.

Time Stamp: 2:07 – You’re sexually harassing me: I spit out my coffee. She might be an insane woman who was just viciously triggered by an affectionate young couple at her local salad bar, but she’s got her buzzwords down.

Time Stamp: 2:33 – I want my money back: I worked in the restaurant industry for a long time, and I’ve seen this hustle a thousand times. I’ve seen people demand their money back over some things you wouldn’t believe. A woman at the restaurant I worked at demanded I refund her money because she didn’t like the nachos she completely devoured and when I refused she, too threatened to call the police. “Due to the emotional distress of me not having had sex in years, coupled with the disturbing visual of seeing these youths hugging and kissing I won’t be able to pay for this salad. It’s all too much” You almost have to respect the way she almost storms out of the restaurant and then thinks “I should demand a refund before I go.”

Time Stamp: 5:12 – I’m an American: Crucial turning point. Even the people who were on the fence about this woman instantly turn on her the second she says “I”m an American” like everyone knows where this rant is going and what’s really going on here.
Lastly, props to the young lady involved. The first time that woman called me a derogatory name I would have slammed her face through the sneeze guard glass, so it’s refreshing to know there are young people out there that don’t resort to violence even after being subjected to a string of increasingly horrific epithets. Unshoutout to the employee of the restaurant. You let this woman speak to your manager over the phone? What? Just force her outside and lock the door, I’ve done it a thousand times.

On to the sports!

Astros Opening Day – OK first of all what is the deal with “Opening Day” now? Is it “opening days”? I don’t really care, I just need to know the proper vernacular. I can’t be saying Opening Day the day after baseball season has started and be shamed for it. Keuchal looked amazing – pitched 7 innings giving up no runs. I like baseball, but I physically cannot watch it on TV unless it’s just on for background noise. But, like most people, I love going to games. The open roof when it’s nice out, good beer, hot dogs for days. And now there’s a Torchey’s where Tal’s Hill used to be – yes please (just remembered why I always come in to summer looking fly but end summer looking like the Michelin man).

UNC vs Gonzaga – Oh my god, this was probably one of the worst basketball games I’ve ever seen and I watched the Butler/Duke Championship in 2010. The officiating was absurdly awful – both teams were in the bonus like five minutes into the second half. I’m no expert but I don’t think that’s good. But it wasn’t just the refs, the shooting was abysmal from both sides and neither team could ever get into a good rhythm, probably because of the constant foul calls. I’ve never heard so many whistles in my life and that includes on college move-in day when they had us test out our rape whistles. At one point I went to switch my laundry out, had a five minute conversation with my neighbor, and when I came back the score was the same!

I love a good hot take, which is why I’ve got a new section I’m calling “Tweet of the Week”:

I scrolled through this guy’s timeline and it’s heavy on Jesus and condemning sinners. That’s this guy’s bread and butter on the internet, clearly. I love him flat out demanding the rainbow be returned to God – there’s simply no way to prove they didn’t steal it.  Can we try to get McDonald’s to admit they culturally appropriated the rib and give the McRib sandwich back to God?

From yesterday – Depth in the draft and the Falcon’s Tale of the Tape: Houston vs Pheonix, plus an Astros wrapup.

Quote of the Day:

“Is this a joke?”

– Lexi Thompson as she was being informed of her four stroke penalty after the guy from your high school who always reminded the teacher about homework called the rules committee a DAY after she committed the infraction to report her. 

Hottie of the Day:


I did it again – sorry. I’m just so excited about The Leftovers coming back.

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