This is me. Not really but only because I wouldn’t be rocking the fur chinchilla here in Houston (and that champagne would be vodka on the rocks), but you get the point.
Last week I decided to download the bumble app purely as an experiment to report back to you guys. Definitely not because I suck at dating. OK, I suck at dating. I had to refrain from making a long list of what type of person you CAN’T be in order for me to like you on my profile.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Due to swiping left for long durations at a time, I think I’ve inherited a mild form of early arthritis
- Entrepreneur/ Athlete seems to be every other guy’s bio. (Double swipe. Where I’m from, entrepreneur is a fancy word for drug dealer).
- The messaging process bores me. I’ve still been messaging the same guy for a week now without the “what’s your number so we can text.”
- I was told that if I swipe right to everyone, it will inform the website due to my large sums of matches… I am hot. (which then supposedly puts me in the hot category).
I have yet to land a date because honestly, it’s just easier for me to slide in someone’s DM on Instagram. (Not that I do that, I have morals sometimes).
Houston fans rejoice…or woo…The Astros tried to blow it, but they have now taken two out of two from the Rangers. The Rangers have owned the Astros, so two wins is kind of like finally getting a quarterback. Speaking of which…
Drafting: You’re probably tired of hearing draft talk but I don’t write until Wednesday’s so don’t be selfish. Get over yourselves. Let me flourish for a minute here…
Texans: Well. The football gods sure have smiled upon your broken souls. Looks like Watson DID magically fall from the Heavens onto your roster after all! I was actually proud of how Houston drafted. I’ll give you a 32% chance that you get 10 wins now versus 9.
Side note: Texans fans are so impatient. Have you ever heard the saying “All good things take time”? Let’s not get all overly happy like Watson is your savior. I mean, any time you guys get someone who can half way attempt to throw a ball you put all of your faith into him. Watson has the potential to be a great QB… A franchise one? Only time will tell. Let him sit. In order for a decent QB to develop into a GREAT QB he needs to sit… Observe and learn the NFL… The system his team runs… The vibe. I’m a firm believer in this old school method. Hence why I almost had a heart attack week 1 last season when we threw Carson Wentz in to fend for himself. But don’t use my star QB as an example… We can’t all be Carson. (I said this with the biggest smirk by the way).
My top picks? Granted the 49ers still blow, but they managed to pick up 2 of my favorite defensive players out of this class… Solomon Thomas and Reuben Foster. Double win.
Jags: Another very successful draft for these guys. I’m just waiting to see them make all of this young talent actually work. What are the odds they can find a way to accidentally lose Bortles on a road trip?
Eagles: After sobering up and wiping my running spray tan from my half fallen off fake lashes, I took a moment to remember what would have been Dalvin Cook as an Eagle. But then I acknowledged the fact that my defense and special teams will be one of the best in the league. Dallas, Taco and the Cheeto kid are going down.
My worst picks? Chicago selling their soul to move up ONE spot for what’s most likely going to be a flop of a QB was almost… unbelievable. OK, I’m lying. I was laughing so hard. In fact…
Shame bell No. 1 goes to the ENTIRE Chicago Bears organization. Yes, even the fans.
Shame bell No. 2 Your Houston Rockets demolished my Spurs Monday night in game 1. I knew it was going to be bad when I heard my friend say something I thought I’d never hear… “That’s some good defense Houston!” That was my cue to turn the station. Well, that and the first 76 missed shots in one quarter that the Spurs somehow managed to screw up. Let’s just say I wasn’t getting turned on by San Antonio, so I’ll refer you back to Disco’s update for more Rockets talk.
Shame bell No. 3 …Because anything Bernie Sanders says is an automatic shame bell. Warning: This article may make you hungry.
Quote of the Day:
“I found my soulmate on an online app”
-no one ever
Hotties of the Day:
Because Houston rocked it… And because Steffanie (left) is my favorite twin peaks hottie.