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Mother’s Day do’s and don’ts, Rockets pep talk, the Big 12 is getting petty, and more. It’s your May 11 Update!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Mother’s Day is coming up this Sunday, and because the vast majority of you reading this probably have wives that are mothers, I figured I’d make a quick list of do’s and don’ts when it comes to spoiling the mother of your children on Mother’s Day.

  • DO make her breakfast in bed
  • DO NOT leave the dishes/mess for her to clean up
  • DO get her something she WANTS
  • DO NOT get her something she NEEDS – like an iron, vacuum, broom, or vibrator (unless she tells you she WANTS and NEEDS a vibrator. And in that case, DO get a lawyer because she’s probably already cheated on you and a divorce is imminent).
  • DO NOT fart. At all. For the entire day. At least not around her. Pretend like it’s y’alls first week of dating again and make up an excuse to go outside and fart. Something like, “did you hear something in the back? I better go check it out.” Once outside, feel free to shit your pants if you’re so inclined, just let her have this one day of the year that you don’t fart around her. She’ll really appreciate it.
  • DO take the kids and leave the house and DO NOT return until it’s time for them to go to bed.
  • DO NOT poop with the bathroom door open today. In fact, just hold it until Monday.
  • DO get her flowers and a nice bottle of wine for the day.
  • DO NOT get here wine in a box.
  • DO write her a note, telling her how much you love her.
  • DO have 7 year old spell check it for you.
  • DO NOT ask for sex (if you got her a really good wine she’ll probably ask you. Of course, if you got her a vibrator, she probably won’t)

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE!

ROCKETS PEP TALK

Hey Bucko, how you doing kid? You sad after Tuesday night’s loss?

I understand big guy. I know, I know, you’re all mad an angry and I don’t blame you. Heck, you have every right to be. But Uncle Barry’s here for you. I am. I don’t want you to be all sad and upset. There is plenty to be happy about.

Hey.

Look at me.

LOOK AT ME.

Now listen, what happened Tuesday wasn’t great, but it’s not the end of the world. The Rockets went on the road and lost in OT by 3 points to the team with the second best record in the NBA. They didn’t get blown out. Did they look great? Well no, but neither did San Antonio?

The truth is, they both played like crap in the 4th quarter and OT. The only difference was that Danny Green stepped up and Manu Ginoblio sold his sole (and probably the rest of his hair) to the devil for one last taste of glory.

Besides, if I had told you before Tuesday’s game that the Rockets would go on the road and lose by 3 in OT after scoring just 16 points in the 4th quarter and 6 points in OT,  you probably wouldn’t have been all that upset. So buck up soldier, game 6 is TONIGHT and the Rockets are at home and you know what that means (well besides Ryan Anderson going colder than my ex-wife’s heart). It means the Rockets have a real chance to even this series up again. They’ve done it before (on the road, no less).

Now come on. Wipe that frown of your stupid face, slap some red paint on it, put on that free t-shirt and lets go cheer this team to a victory*!

*Maybe**

**Yeah, probably not.

THE INTERNET DOES IT AGAIN.

No words needed here, just enjoy these…

Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 11.33.52 PM

SoWrong2

“New 2017 Rockets Logo”

MORE SPORTS AND STUFF…

– If you missed it, the Celtics took a 3-2 lead in their series vs the Wizards, defeating Washington 123-101

– Dirk Nowitzki had Twitter clowning him about this.

– You know it’s getting petty in the Big 12 when the wives start getting involved.

It’s been a dim couple of days for The Dark Knight.

– Jim McElwain may have just jumped the shark, if it really is true he humped this shark.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Men are what their mothers made them.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

HOTTIE(S) OF THE DAY

sommerray

This is Sommer Ray. This is Sommer’s Instagram. You’re welcome.

About Barry Laminack (22 Articles)
Talented, funny, handsome, creative, fun to be around, well endowed, great body,smart, liar.

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