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Captain Doofie’s Magic Mushroom Safari

How does one pet a Zebra? Magic Mushrooms, of Course!

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By Brien O’Donal 

This is another installment in a series based on the life and times of Captain Doofie. It is a true story and any activities described should not be performed. Captain Doofie is a professional party enhancer and has been doing so for many years. Enjoy!

 

A day like this looked to be rather hum drum for the Captain. He had come home from work and was sitting on the couch looking for something to do. After recent years of travelling across the country to be near his son he was back in his home state and near his parents. He has enjoyed his recent enrollment in the local community college and the knowledge and friends that have come along as well. It just so happens that these new friends would be the spark for one of his adventures.

He took time on this afternoon to go hang out with some of these new college friends. Nothing too exciting, but having a few beers with a friend is better than drinking alone, he always told himself. He had been there for a little while and the conversation kept light when a few more people began showing up at the house. They were the friends of his friend and he had never met any of them until they arrived that day.

You also have to understand, the Captain was in his early thirties and his new college friends were much younger. So, as the new kids were entering the house and mingling amongst each other the Captain was at a loss. He was there all by himself and the only thing he could think to do was to just keep smiling and laughing and introducing himself. It wasn’t difficult for him to quickly become ingratiated with the new arrivals.

Captain Doofie is the sort of man that makes you believe his presence can make your life better than it ever was before. His personality is an aphrodisiac and in his new group of friends he had become known as sort of a party promoter. As he was making his way through this new potential party situation and talking with guests he kept asking them: “Well, you’re here but where are your people at?” Of course he was then bombarded with a litany of the usual excuses; “They’re at work.” or “They can’t come.” He was in no mood for that. You can’t give bull shit excuses to the Captain and expect to just walk away. He told them to get their friends on the phone and he would talk to them. There’s not really much you can do in the face of Doofie’s sound logic and your belief that he can convince anyone to come join your party. He soon convinced them to let him talk with their friends.

They proceeded to make the calls and hand the phone to the Captain. I know that doesn’t seem logical but he can be very convincing. He continued to do as much on the phone. It must have worked because it wasn’t long before he had started a party invite chain. Soon a few more people came to the house, followed by a few more and a few more. Suddenly a hum drum day with nothing much going on had been turned into a full blown party by the simple addition of Captain Doofie. But this story is not about a party created out of thin air. That was just the catalyst for the adventure that was soon to follow.

The party he created was going smoothly and everyone was having a good time when it occurred to him that they were not far from the zoo. He had recently read an article about how a local man was complaining that the zoo was easy to break into. Now was the time for him to seek out recruits to join him on an adventure. “Who wants to go with me on safari?” he asked multiple times. It wasn’t until the introduction of magic mushrooms that his call was answered. Most of the people in the house had merely dismissed his idea offhand but he was able to convince two people to join him.

After the effect of the mushrooms began to mix with the alcohol the Captain was maintaining a pretty good feeling. It was time to head off on their urban safari. Like a pair of mice following the pied piper the trio set off in the direction of the zoo. When they reached their destination the Captain felt it was time to finish what was left of the mushrooms in his pocket. He did so and climbed the fence into a different world.

The idea of what he had done only set in when that border was crossed. The only problem was that his surroundings were barely visible. The three of them had found their way behind the scenes of the zoo. They could see pipes and work trucks and all the things that keep the place running. Because of the darkness, the group was lost and none of them knew where they were. All they could do was walk and see what they could find.

It wasn’t long before they came across another fence and a decision to be made. Of course, Captain Doofie would lead the way. He noticed that there was an adjacent tree and he decided that he could climb the tree and get over the fence into the next area of the park. He did so and successfully made it over the fence. He dropped down from a tree limb, brushed himself off and began walking. After about two or three steps he was hit with an incredible force. He was knocked quite a distance backward to the fence. He crumpled to the ground wailing in agony. It was a minute or two before he could compose himself and get back to his feet. It was then that he realized in the dim light available that he was staring at a small herd of zebras and he had been kicked in leg.

The fence he crossed must have dropped him down into their enclosure and being aggressive creatures they defended their territory. He could hear the snorts and the hooves on the ground around him. At this point there was an acute awareness that he was surrounded and the only thing he could attempt was to calmly find a way out of there. At this point he realized it was every man for himself. There was no more safari. There were no more followers to help him in his time of need. Those idiots ran off and got arrested trying to rob the food vendors. All he could think of at that moment was the arrival of more zebras so that he was nearly surrounded on all sides.

His only move was to walk to the nearest fence and try to get out of the enclosure. The problem was that the fence he encountered was too high and not made for climbing. With zebras following close behind Captain Doofie was forced to limp around the perimeter hoping to find a way out. After a few minutes in the dark he was able to finally make his was to a chain link fence that he could climb. There was another problem though; this chain link fence was topped with razor wire. He would have to get through that to escape the zebras standing behind him. It wasn’t easy but he made it over and he was out of the zoo altogether.

Now he just limped to the next location. It was a gas station a block and a half away where he could buy a pack of cigarettes and regroup. That in itself was a strange situation with the effects of the magic mushrooms not completely diminished from the pain he was feeling. As Doofie walked inside he noticed what appeared to be two large pit bulls behind the counter. He thought that was odd but not too odd in his particular U.S. state. He asked and received his particular brand and as he was pulling out his wallet he slammed his hand down on the counter. This spooked one of the dogs and it began barking and jumping at him like it was going to attack. Doofie was not in a good state at this point so he got his cigarettes and with the dog still scaring him he went out the door and ended up tripping and falling to the ground.

The battery on his cell phone was dead so he used the payphone to call a friend to come pick him up. He was hardly even coherent enough to explain where he was and get himself home but he managed. When he woke up the next morning he could feel the intense pain in his leg and the bruise that looked like there was still fresh blood underneath the skin. It was horrible and the only thing he could really do to ease the pain was to drink it away and go out that next night to forget about it. But that’s the life of Captain Doofie. He spends his free time starting parties and taking people on urban safaris.

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