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Predicting the future, my fat maid Anna, 50 shades of cheesiness, farmer fights pig and dies and more: Your June 22 update.

By BARRY LAMINACK

Nights like last night can make it difficult to write my weekly post.

Real talk, it’s actually last night right now…I know, confusing, but understand I’m writing this at 8:54 p.m. Wednesday night (6/21) keeping in mind that you’re reading this in the future.

I digress.

I want to keep my weekly post as fresh as possible but I have no idea what’s going to happen between the time I finish writing this and the time you read it. The NBA trade rumors are heating up and the Astros don’t start until after I’ll be halfway done writing this so I won’t even begin to guess how the game will end (other than to assume that the Astros are going to defeat the As (5-3), Altuve and MarGo will homer and there will be at least one impactful trade that goes down in the NBA).

So I’ll forego the sports this week and instead (and since I haven’t posted one in a while) I’ll share with you a story that I’ve posted on my home page (that I have converted into a site to promote my stand up comedy).

Before I get started, if you’d like to read my previous stories that have been posted here on Houston Sports and Stuff, you can read:

And now…

THE STORY OF MY MAID ANNA

MEET ANNA

When I was a kid, my single mom had hired a live-in maid to help her out around the house and serve as a baby sitter for my sister and me. She interviewed several maids until finally settling on Anna, A 375lb married woman from El Salvador.

Anna was one of the sweetest people you would ever meet. She was so much fun to hang around, but at times her lack of understanding of America was fun and embarrassing. Take for instance the time Anna took me to the neighborhood pool. It was hot out and I guess she got tired of watching everybody else enjoy the pool, so she stripped down to her bra and panties and got in the pool, much to the horror of the life guards, many of the parents and a few of the kids at the pool. One of the life guards called my mom and had her come get us. Truth be told, I don’t think she understood the concept of a bathing suit; either that or Anna was a honey badger and just didn’t give a shit.

Anna didn’t speak any English, but my sister and I quickly taught her how to say the only phrase she would speak in English for the next nine months
“Sheeet, I don’t care.” (something she said once my mom explained why she can’t get into a public pool in her underwear).

Anyhoo, Anna used to try and get back to El Salvador to see her husband about once a month. Partly to see her family and partly to spend time with her husband (I guess it’s true that big girls need love too).

At one point I think Anna was low on funds and missed several return trips to see her man; that’s where the plot thickens.

THE FORT

(To set this up) When I was a kid I had a bed that was kind of tall because it had a few shelves and some drawers as part of the frame below the actual mattress (imagine a shorter top bunk of a bunk bed, and below it drawers on one half and shelves on the other). Like many boys at my age, I was in to making forts and bunkers so one day I figured out that there was some space behind the drawers and shelves of my bed. Once I figured that out I  took out the backing that was behind the shelves. With the back of the shelves now loose, I could take the bottom shelf out, push down the false wall and army crawl into my fort. It was a pretty bad ass set up because nobody would be able to find me since the bed was up against the wall and the mattress and frame above me acted as my roof. In my mind, it was the perfect spot to be if ever under attack (and no, “under attack” isn’t my code word for masturbation).

One day I decided I was not going to go with my sister to the pool and instead decided to sneak into my fort and play with my G.I. Joe action figures. After about 20 minutes, I hear Anna come in my room so I immediately kick it into stealth mode and become completely still, listening for anything that would sound suspicious or incriminating or fun.

The first thing I hear is Anna humming some song I didn’t recognize.

Next, I hear the drawers on my bed open. Hmmm, she must be putting up some of my freshly cleaned and folded clothes.

Then, the closet door opened and hangers are heard rattling around. The next thing I hear is the closet door close…and silence.

Anna had stopped humming.

“Did she leave,” I wondered?

I could hear her doing something to my mattress. Then I heard grunting?

At that point, I could tell that she climbed up onto my bed.

“She must be tired.”  I thought, “but if so, why was she going to take a nap in my bed?”

That’s when it started…

IF THE FORT IS A ROCKIN’

The next thing I heard was something very light hit the floor, and then the bed started moving and Anna started moaning lightly.

I remember wondering to myself, “What the hell is going on?”

The moaning gets louder and the movement becomes more violent.

“OMG, is she dying?” I thought.

As I sat there Indian style trying to figure out what was happening to Anna and my bed, the movement above me got so violent, that the mattress was now hitting me on top of the head in a repeated fashion.

Tap tap tap tap tap

“OHHHH. AYYYYEEEEE. OHHH UHH HUH. UHH HUH. UHHH HUH,” was all I heard coming from above me.

And then it stopped.

It was dead quiet in my room except for the sound of the faint heavy breathing coming from Anna above me. I heard her scoot to the edge of my bed, then the thud of her fat feet hitting the floor.

The next thing I hear is Anna taking my sheets off the bed, then the fading sound of her feet thudding against the floor as she walked away.

I had no idea what had just happened. In fact, it wasn’t until several years later that I recalled the incident and figured it out.

TAKING THE FALL

When I finally got around to telling my mom this story a couple of years ago her response was one of shock and disbelief, in fact I believe “Oh Jesus!!!” was her actual response.

I told her that is was no big deal and that is was actually pretty funny.

“No,” she said, “It’s not that. I had to replace my mattress on two different occasions during the time Anna lived with us, but I always assumed it was because you kids would jump on my bed.”

Come to think of it, I recall being grounded a couple of times because of this, so I guess in the end, we all got fu—-.

Well played Anna, well played indeed.

OTHER SPORTS AND STUFF…

– Here are 50 of the cheesiest lines from 50 Shades Darker.

– Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Drunk farmer fights pig. Pig bites testicles off. Farmer dies.

– Dwight Howard got traded while talking about other trades on Twitter.

Here is a map that shows the hourly income you would need in each state to afford rent.

– A bunch of CIA contractors got fired because they hacked a vending machine and stole over $3000 worth of snacks.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” – Truman Capote

HOTTIE OF THE DAY

 

hot maid

Like you didn’t know I was going to Google “hot maid” for this…

About Barry Laminack (33 Articles)
Talented, funny, handsome, creative, fun to be around, well endowed, great body,smart, liar.

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