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Tales From the road: Wichita and OKC edition, my review of Sylvester Stallone’s porn movie, new Rockets uniform concepts, Zeke catches a break and more: The July 20 update

Editor’s note: Houstonsportsandstuff.com is helping sponsor a charity poker tournament at Whitmeyer’s Distillery at 6 p.m. on July 29. It benefits the Touchdown Club of Houston, and entry includes dinner from Demeris and beer from Karbach. There will also be access to all of the great Whitmeyer’s products. Snowman Poker League is running the event. Sign up at by using PayPal at touchdownclub.org. Space is limited so sign up now. It will be a great event for a great cause.

By BARRY LAMINACK

TALES FROM THE ROAD

Hello from Oklahoma City. I’m not sure what to call this area that I’m in, is it the heartland? Is it the bible belt? I think I’ll just stick with “the inner thigh of tornado ally.” (that reminds me, go read this story to understand why I hate this part of the country).

I was in Wichita last week. Here’s a fun fact about Wichita; they have at least two gay bars in Wichita, and zero Jack In The Box. I was told by a lady there that the reason for this is because back when she was a kid, Jack in the Box was “killing kids, so they got runned outta here!”

And that’s the kind of crazy that keeps people from moving to the bible belt folks.

I drove in to OKC yesterday. I was hungry upon arrival so I went to Chili’s and watched a man in a “Big Dog” shirt open his velecro wallet to pay for his food and thought to myself, if this was a video game I would have just unlocked the Oklahoma achievement.

MY REVIEW OF ITALIAN STALLION

italian-stallion

On my show this week (The Usual Suspects, 1p-4p on ESPN 97.5) the topic of Sylvester Stallone’s soft core porn movie came up and since I had never seen it I promised to watch it and provide a full review. I wrote it down first so you can read and hear (I captured some audio files of the dialogue for the show) that review right here on HSaS.

Please note that the audio – while hilarious – is probably not safe for work, so use some headphones.

It was originally released as “The Party at Kitty and Stud’s” but after his success with Rocky they changed it to Italian Stallion. The movie got a 2.8/10 on IMDB, and that is actually shocking quit frankly as I’d of given it a very solid .0000000001.

Stalone plays “Stud,” and “Kitty” is played by the very hairy-down-there Henrietta Holm.

You can tell they put some thought into character development because the rest of the character names are super creative: Jodi Van Prang plays “Jodi,” Nicholas Warren plays “Nick,” Frank Micelli plays “Frank,” and Barbara Strom plays “Barb.” 

The opening scene is Stud running through a park, on his way to meet Kitty.

He’s running and jumping and, for some weird reason, falling down a lot. He decides at one point during this run to climb a jungle gym for no apparent reason.

Cut to Kitty looking out the window in a pink teddy and thinking to herself the following:

Then there’s a shower seen. The whole time it looks like this is Stallone’s first time taking a shower because he appears to keep getting soap in his eyes. They are cleaning each other vigorously. It’s not sexy at all. It looks like she is scrubbing him for surgery or something. There are various times that they just stop and hug for no reason, in between cleanings. It’s super awkward.

Then the Kitty says this in the shower:

Cut to Stud laying in the tub on his back with Kitty between his legs on her back. You can see full frontal on here and it’s super obvious at this point that she rarely mows the yard, if your picking up what I’m putting down.

So Stallone is soaping up her body but at one point he raps his leg around her torso and with out realizing it he starts rubbing his own leg and then quickly stops when he realizes “oh shit, that’s me not her.”

And that’s when we get this gem:

I can’t confirm they did or did not, but if I had to venture a guess, I would say this film did not win an Oscar for set design or lighting.

Anyway, thy shower scene ends with a kiss. Well she kisses him, he pretty much tries to eat her face.

Cut to them laying on their sides in bed kissing, and even though their mouths are touching the rest of their bodies are about as far apart as humanly possible. It’s obvious this is another full frontal shot attempt on Sally McTallpatch followed by a random but brief ball then dong shot from Stud, then lots more kissing.

Then ol’ Sly goes spread eagle like the evolution man and Kitty starts rubbing on him like he’s on fire and she’s a fire retardent blanket.

That produces this well delivered dialogue:

Cut to a super weird zoom on them scissoring. I’m not sure why a dude and chick wold scissor, but I’m here to review not judge.

Now I can’t tell if they are having sex or grappling. Stallone had mount but Kitty had a beautiful sweep from the bottom and moved into side control.

Time for more dialogue!:

More Jiu Jitsu then Kitty says, “Give it to me Stud! Give it all to me”, Followed by a crazy amount of moaning. Her moans turns from sexual to screams, but not like “YES, YES” screams, more like “OMG MY BABY JUST FELL INTO A WELL” screams. This is going on while Stud is grunting like he’s changing a flat and trying to loosen a lugnut that was put on too tight at the tire place.

Cut to Stud getting up and walking over to table and lighting up a heater.

Jump cut to a white woman and black woman standing in a corner. The white woman has a bird in her hand, the black woman is petting a dog’s ear. No ideas WTF that was all about.

Cut to a pretty significant dong shot here from Stud.

And then we get our first lines from ol’ Stud himself:

Now while this music (which is PRETTY DAMN SIMILAR TO THE ROCKY THEME) is playing Stud is posing in a mirror while the black and white chick pretend to make out on the bed.

That’s pretty much where it ended on porn hub.

OTHER SPORST AND STUFF

– If you’re looking for a good in depth Texans preview, check out the daily updates from Brien O’Donal. Yesterday he broke down WR/TE’s. Check back later today as he’ll be breaking down that troubling O-Line.

– Some dude designed a bunch of NBA jerseys and they are pretty bad ass. I really dig the black “Clutch City” one for the Rockets, along with the yellow with red trim.

– Looks like Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott might have caught a break…finally.

– So the dude with the biggest balls on the planet decided to have them reduced. I think it goes with that the link to this story is NOT safe for work.

– OJ Simpson may not get out of jail because he was jerking off and apparently that’s a big no-no in federal prison. I understand it’s prison, but really? That’s a rule? I would have thought that’s like the only that’s OK to do in jail.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“They brought me in to win games not to run a fucking church camp” – Bob Stoops

HOTTIE OF THE DAY

OUHottie

Greetings from Oklahoma.

About Barry Laminack (22 Articles)
Talented, funny, handsome, creative, fun to be around, well endowed, great body,smart, liar.

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