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Brace yourselves, football is coming. Also what did I think of the Emoji Movie? The update for Aug. 8

 

Good morning fine folks!

The Texans will have their first preseason game on Wednesday which means football is officially baaaaaack folks! For years, with Peyton Manning in the division and the Texans being mediocre at best, I would tell myself it was no use getting excited early in the season – this was hugely helpful when they would fall apart every year. Then 2011 happened. The Texans were playing great football, I actually got excited. Matt Schaub hurt himself and they lost to the Ravens in the second round but it’s OK. Because Schaub was injured and the reason they lost was because we had a backup playing against a great defense. The next year I was again excited – Schaub was back. And the Texans were off to a great start. Until they pooped the bed the last month of the season and lost home field. They went to New England wearing those outrageous letter jackets and promptly got taken behind the woodshed. I kicked a stone bench outside of Roeders Pub (the best bar ever). The next year it all fell apart and ever since I start each season knowing my football team will continue to toil away in woeful mediocrity. That doesn’t stop me from getting excited! Here are the three things I’m most excited for.

  1. Watt and Clowney together on the field. I think this is on a lot of people’s must see list. Two years ago when Watt was on his way to his second DPOY award, Clowney was injured. Last year when Clowney shined and made the Pro Bowl, Watt was sidelined with back surgery. I used to watch these videos of Watt getting double and triple teamed while the rest of the garbage defensive line could do nothing, I mean their second best threat on the line was Jared Crick for god sake. With Mercilus also coming into his own last season, I don’t see how teams will be able to stop these guys.
  2. How long until Bill O’Brien starts Deshaun Watson? Every story I see coming out of camp basically says that Joe Montana and Warren Moon are competing for the starting job. There is just no way both of these quarterbacks are as good as the stories coming out of camp. It’s just not possible. We KNOW what Tom Savage is. He’s a serviceable back up who can manage a game if he absolutely must. But he can’t throw touchdowns and he’s made of 400 twigs held together by rubber bands. I don’t want another Brian Hoyer/Ryan Mallet situation on my hands so O’Brien better have a good plan and STICK to it.
  3. The secondary. Aside from watching JJ Watt sack quarterbacks and make various other amazing defensive plays, my favorite Texans unit is the secondary. It wasn’t always this way. I like watching interceptions, I like watching fumbles. But frankly I’m concerned. The secondary was great last year but lost two key pieces when AJ Bouye and Quintin Demps both left in free agency and they didn’t really sign any names to replace them. I need to see big hits and takeaways to be happy. Feed me!!

Vince Wilfork retired yesterday in an amazing way. If tweeting a charcoal ad to announce your retirement is the most alpha move I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. Last year, Fred and AJ from the Blitz had their prostate exams sponsored. I thought that was peak sponsorship. Having your retirement announcement sponsored, however, is next level. I’m ready to buy some Kingsford charcoal RIGHT NOW. I figured he would be retiring this season, so was really just waiting for the formal announcement, didn’t expect it to come in the form of paid advertisement for Kingsford charcoal with Vince wearing those outrageous (albeit very flattering) overalls. Also, what’s Vince’s? Is he opening a restaurant?

After the Astros did nothing at the trade deadline, I knew that Astros fan wouldn’t overreact. I was so wrong. Of course they overreacted because this town is crazy. You don’t care about a team for six years and after they have a flimmer of hope, people are ready to sell their own babies so this team can win the World Series. “Settle down” I thought to myself. Then they lost three straight games to the Tampa Bay Rays of all teams. They were in danger of going 1-5 on the week without Correa, Springer, and McCullers. They managed to pull a win out on Sunday against the Blue Jays when I’d honestly assumed they were going to  lose. Check out our weekly wrap up HERE to read what Chris thinks about this not so super past week.

In personal news I took Baby Biscuit to see The Emoji Movie for her sixth birthday and it is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It more than earns that 6% on Rotten Tomatoes and the 1.5 stars on IMDB. It’s a debacle. If you’re looking for a movie that you can enjoy with the kids just stay home and watch Inside Out again. The problem is, only Pixar has figured out how to make animated films that make kids smile, and keep parents interested and sometimes like, Inside Out, make us cry. The Emoji Movie is just stupid, and boring. Any potential is washed away when you realize the movie is an ad for all of the stupid apps we have on our phones and that they are marketing a movie to kids about something adults use. Save your money.

Quote of the Day:

“So, is that how you want to play it, old man? No dessert? Oh, sure. We’ll eat our dinner right after you eat this!” – Anger from Inside Out an actually cute and charming film that succeeds in whatever the Emoji Movie was trying to teach us.

Hottie of the Day:

jonsnow

I need more Jon Snow in my life *heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji, heart eyes emoji*

 

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