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Bill O’Brien looks like Homer Simpson. But what if he actually IS Homer Simpson? This and more in the update for Sept. 26

By DISCO BISCUIT

Bill O’Brien is basically the human embodiment of Homer Simpson in every way. Everyone already knows they look alike. Come on:

 

 

 

Here’s a live look at Bill O’Brien during training camp:

Bill O’Brien is also similar to Homer in that he means well but is woefully dumb. In The Simpsons, Homer is a loving family man who just can’t help his idiocy. The 2017 Houston Texans are like the Simpson’s family. The defense is Lisa, because they are smart and do their job but they break down when their dad (O’Brien) is so unconscionably dumb that they just exhaustively give up. The offense is obviously Bart because they show promise but can’t stop being complete screw ups for two seconds. And the offensive line is Maggie because honestly what the hell are they even doing here? They just kind of exist to take up space, pooping their pants on the regular and causing mayhem for everyone else. Romeo Crennel is Marge because I truly believe he’s the only competent member of this coaching staff.

Bill’s major Homer moments come in tight games. The Texans will never win a close game because of this. Sure he can secure a victory in a game that was never in doubt – but even then he makes stupid mistakes. In close games he completely turtles and gets outcoached every. Single. Time. Sunday’s loss was devastating because for about 5-10 minutes at the end of the third and into the fourth quarter I thought the Texans could win this game. That’s what this team does to us, they build us up and give us hope and then it all comes crashing down. Here are Bill’s Homer moments from Sunday:

That challenge of the sack on Brady was just a shockingly terribly decision to make. Forget the fact that he lost a timeout there since he doesn’t really know how to use time outs effectively anyway (more on this later). This was just an attempt to beef up your stat sheet against a superior team. You idiot!

Later on in the game with the Texans up two, this guy elects to kick a field goal on fourth and one so the Texans can go up by five. FIVE POINTS. Against Tom Brady and the Patriots. This man has 50 game winning drives. He just completed the greatest Super Bowl comeback of all time. Two minutes might as well be an eternity for him. And you thought five points would be safe. D’oh!

And lastly, not that you had a chance to win that game but how do you not call the time out as soon as Deandre Hopkins catches that football? Knowing you have a rookie quarterback, you don’t think the best thing to set him up for success is to call that timeout right away? Aaah!

I am in no way saying the Texans win the football game if these three critical coaching errors don’t take place but I am saying they would have been in a better spot to win. Bill didn’t cause the defense to completely break down on that last drive. Bill didn’t cause Deshaun Watson to throw that horrible pick that resulted in an NE touchdown. But he doesn’t put these guys in good positions to win.

It will continue this way until Homer O’Brien learns to coach or is gone. But I think we’re stuck for him for a while if he continues to go 9-7 since this ownership only cares about mediocrity.

Moving on, I have something very important to say about the player protests… Just kidding. I have nothing to say about them except that if you are one of the people who decided you’re “boycotting football” because of it you’re an idiot and you didn’t deserve the amazing weekend of football we experienced. “Stick to Sports!” Meanwhile, you go bull speed the other direction, not watching sports. I’m confused by the absolute “this or that” nature of the world we live in. There’s basically a piece of dental floss separating everyone on every issue. You can’t be in the middle. I don’t do boycotts. If I like something, I’m consuming it. I thought this article from Forbes was interesting on how much player protests factor into ratings. It’s not much. Most ratings downturns are due to cord cutting. I know I cu

The Cowboys beat the Cardinals last night on Monday Night Football… I’m here to tell y’all that Dak Prescott is the real deal. And that concludes my thoughts on the Dallas Cowboys. Except also I was thinking and can you even imagine how obnoxious their fans would be if the “Dallas Cowboys fans” were all instead “fans of the Super Bowl winning Dallas Cowboys”? Also this catch as absurd:

Speaking of my fantasy team:

IMG_7152

I still don’t know what I’m doing.

The Astros crushed the Rangers 11-2 behind an eight run fourth inning. The game also gave us this amazing tweet:

Catch up on how the Astros did this past week with our weekly wrap-up.

Quote of the Day: 

“Don’t let the bastards tear you down, don’t let the assholes wear you out” – Kesha, who’s new album is white hot fire flames and I don’t care who knows it.

Hottie of the Day:

kesha

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