By NEAL FARMER
Saturday was a tough day for Houston sports fans. Not because of wins and losses, but because most of the games Houstonians were interested in were on TV — at the same time. So at great peril to my sanity and sanitary habits, I decided to watch as many as I could at the same time. Call it merciless multitasking. But a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
I put on DirecTV’s Sportsmix on my widescreen TV, and watched eight games at the same time from 2:30 p.m. to 6 p.m. I saw all eight in real time on what amounted to small screens, but I could only dial in to listen to one game’s announcers at a time. I dubbed this experiment as Neal time.
The games were Astros-Yankees (started at 3 p.m.); LSU-Auburn; Maryland-Northwestern; TCU-Kansas State; Houston-Tulsa; Navy-Memphis; Miami-Georgia Tech; and Texas-Oklahoma.
Finished mowing lawn, so I had a Karbach Love Street beer. Or two. I had to wet my whistle after such mundanity as lawn maintenance.
Saw the end of Texas Tech-West Virginia. Tech blew a big lead and lost 46-35. I thought the Raiders’ defense was improved this year. The defense was blown away like a Lubbock haboob.
Too many features on Fox about the damn Yankees.
Where’s the TCU-Kansas State game? They should be finishing? (Found out the game was delayed three hours due to lightning in Kansas).
Good God. LSU is down to Auburn 10-0. What is wrong with LSU and it’s frog-throated head coach?
Texas-OU starts. As a graduate of the UT journalism school, we are taught objectivity. Except when it comes to the freakin’ Sooners. It’s 2:35 p.m. and OU still sucks.
TCU is up 10-0. K-State got in the red zone and didn’t score. I didn’t see what happened because I was watching Texas-OU.
OU is up 10-0. UT looks awful. I hope the Longhorns are just lulling the Sooners to sleep. But…we are used to October disappointments under Charlie Strong.
Cee Dee Lamb is wide open for a pass of 44 yards for OU. Crap.
Justin Verlander strikes out the first Yankee batter. Yankees suck. (Another exception to the UT journalism school rule of objectivity.)
Tulsa makes a great play. How did UH-Tulsa and the Astros get on TV at the same time?
Judge strikes out. Yankees suck.
There should be a law that whoever created the University of Maryland uniforms should not be allowed near another sewing machine.
It’s not the Red River Rivalry, it is the Red River Shootout, you pussies.
Already seen the same Progessive Insurance ad on all eight channels. We need a presidential executive order to fix this scourge on American society.
TCU up 13-0.
Feeling that I need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t want to miss any action. Will my pee to stay in place.
Another Jose Altuve hit. That’s four in a row over the first two games against the Damn Yankees.
OU is up 17-0 after a twisting, turning 15-yard run. Sh*t.
Auburn up 17-0 over LSU. Can the frog-throated coach be fired during this game?
It looks like UT is going to need more than fairy dust to save this season.
Saw Gatorade ad with JJ Watt. Come back, JJ. Come back.
Altuve almost cashes into Carlos Correa on a pop fly. Obviously, they employ the UT football method of communication.
LSU’s No. 85 runs to the five-yard-line. There is hope. LSU scored and draws to within 20-7. There is hope.
UH takes a 3-0 lead against Tulsa. The Golden Hurricane is in Oklahoma and sucks, because of its geographic association with OU.
Die fake Col. Sanders, you heart-clogging hack.
UT QB Sam Ellinger almost tackled in end zone for a safety. My tacky journalism gene kicks on and suggests that maybe it is UT that sucks this year.
Need to pee. Look at Karbach cans and ask why not? Worried cans will not be big enough. Will my pee back into bladder because the Houston Sports & Stuff readers deserve my full effort.
Does the freakin’ OU band know any other freakin’ song?
Josh Reddick makes a running catch against the RF wall. Awesomeness.
UT somehow scores while I was watching Reddick. Score is 20-7. Help us, OB-One Ellinger. You are our only hope.
Most-exciting play of the day so far: Reddick in RF throws out Gardner, who tries to stretch a double into a triple. Yankee arrogance is justly rewarded.
LSU receiver lays out for a spectacular TD catch to draw LSU to 23-14. Still like Reddick’s play better – but not by much.
UT intercepts Baker Mayfield and gets a field goal just before halftime to draw to within 20-10. Get a text from my sisters, also UT grads, who reminds me that OU still sucks.
Tulsa scores a TD to draw to within 10-7, but UH looks really good.
TCU goes up 20-6, then they switch game to Baylor-Oklahoma State. Why? I wanted to watch football.
After seeing multiple crowd shots at the Cotton Bowl, I declare OU the winner of the Dallas cleavage wars.
Correa hits solo homer to right field for Astros first run. A kid with a glove reaches out and almost catches the ball while Aaron Judge looks at him. Joe Girardi whines, so there is a video review. The Yankees didn’t have a video review what that same thing happened in New York and liked it then because it benefitted the Yankees. You go kid, and Yankees still suck.
Is there anything creepier than the Burger King king? Tired of him, so I go to bathroom to pee. However, my dog demands that I pet him, so I detour through the kitchen rather than through the blocked hallway and lose valuable seconds.
Miami tried an on-side kick, and Georgia Tech player picks it up and returns it for a TD. I have never seen that, not even in Little League football.
Double by Yankees gets stuck in CF fence on the fly for a ground-rule double, and scores a run to tie game at 1-1. I have never seen that before, not even in Little League baseball.
OU kicks FG to go up 23-10. I think I am getting sick.
UT draws to within 23-17 while I am listening to Astros. Since I am sick of UT-OU announcers, I vow not to listen to them again during the telecast, anyway, because it appears to be good luck for UT.
OU’s Mayfield is sacked and acts like he is hurt. OU linemen start pushing UT players. Could get ugly. But Mayfield is back on the next OU offensive series. I knew the jerk-off was faking. Calling him Faker Mayfield. Who outside of Norman likes this dickwad? He works real-l-l hard at refusing to allow people to like him.
LSU scores on a long run to draw to within 23-21, and Tulsa ties UH 10-10 at the same time.
My attention was on the Astros and Verlander’s pitching prowess, and missed Tulsa taking a 24-10 lead. What the?
UH scores and draws to within 24-17. Tulsa, like its big bother OU, sucks.
LSU to attempt a FG, but time out is called by Auburn to ice the kicker. During timeout, UT hits a long pass to OU 7-yard-line. LSU makes FG to go up 24-23. UT scores on an Ellinger scramble. UT up 24-23. Some have suggested that the late UT baseball coach Bibb Falk could curse for an hour and not repeat himself. Will try that as I chastise OU for even being on the field with UT. I no longer feared the Sooners’ offense and was only fearing fear itself.
Verlander strikes out the side in the eighth inning. Where’s the gratuitous shot of Kate Upton? They would have done that in New York. (Shows her cheering during replay after the telecast come back from ads.)
Best ads of the day comes on—the GEICO triangle solo and Bud Light’s “Dilly, dilly.”
Tulsa scores on a long pass to go up 35-17. How did the Sooner Juniors get 35 against UH? Just remembered that the UH regents chair said they will fire coaches for going 8-4. Is that record in store for the Cougars this year?
OU scores on a long pass play with the receiver wide open – busted assignment and a busted ego for me. Two-point PAT fails. OU leads again. Sh*t again.
LSU kicks another FG and is up 27-23. Angles sing. Heavenly choirs cheer. And a frog-throated coach sounds just as angelic.
LSU hangs on to win.
OU knocks out Ellinger on a dirty play. Buchelle replaces Ellinger for five plays. After he returns, Ellinger’s drive stalls after fourth down.
Then, I notice Altuve is on first. On a 3-2 pitch, Correa hits to the gap in right field. I don’t notice anything else on the other seven channels. Altuve runs toward third and does not slow down as third base coach Gary Pettis waves him on. He speeds for home. Judge throws the ball from right field to second base, which is caught by shortstop Didi Gregorius just behind the keystone bag. Gregorius sees Altuve motoring for home and sets to throw to Yankess catcher Gary Sanchez. HOWEVER, Correa performs a pop-up slide on top of second base and is safe, and gets in the way of Gregorius. The relay throw has less zip on it because Correa is pressed up against Gregorius, and he short-hops the throw to Sanchez. The catcher cannot hold onto the ball, and Altuve just touches the plate as he power slides beside it. Houston wins in one of the best playoff baseball games I have seen. It rivaled the 16-inning loss to the Mets in the playoffs in 1986 in the Astrodome.
Mayhem in Minute Maid Park. Is Verlander French for “excellente”? He has had one of the best games a pitcher can have in the playoffs, throwing only 31 balls to the 32 hitters he faced. The rest of his pitches were strikes.
OU then wins after a desperation, multi-lateral play by UT fails. Tom Herman’s Moral Victory Tour continues in 2017. I have gone from the highest high of the Astros win to the lowest low of a loss to the hated Sooners. UT falls to 3-3 for the season. My dauber is down.
I guess beating one of two evil empires in one day will have to do. I go to pee and have the ability to fill what feels like more than two beer cans worth.
STORY TOO SOON ABOUT BOWLS — The first story about college bowls, which means it is worthless. But I bet you’ll read it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: “He is the most likeable arrogant person I’ve ever met.”
– Mike Schmidt about Pete Rose, but applicable also to Baker Mayfield.
HOTTIE OF THE DAY
She was unable to deter the OU offense.