I got nothing.
I sat here for 2 hours trying to come up with something to talk about for today, but to be honest I just can’t. There’s nothing that I’m really passionate about at this very second, so at the suggestion of a producer at the station (Jose Partida) I’m going to share with you the diary I kept when I lost my job last year.
I was laid off from an oil and gas firm back in May of 2016. I got a pretty sweet severance package so I was in no rush to get back to work.
I started a diary on my Facebook page that basically just talked about what I did during the day.
Enjoy Part 1. I’ll post the rest next week.
(UPDATE – You can find part 2 HERE)
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 1
Woke up and drank a couple cups of coffee in bed; now eating cookie crisp cereal, watching Gotham Comedy Live on the DVR and prepping to fill on for AJ on the Blitz (ESPN 97.5 FM from 4-7 today).
Yeah man, this not having a job thing sucks.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 2
I’ve been in bed all day. Well, except for when I got up to make 2 bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal (side note, we’re now out of Cookie Crisp).
I ate chips for lunch. Just chips. The whole bag of chips.
I also signed up for Netflix and the first thing I watched was Lil Rel’s special, RELevent.
I looked outside, like three times and thought…naw.
I sent out my availability to a booker so he could ignore them. Then I watched a show about LBJ. Then I googled “was J Edgar Hoover gay?”.
I gotta say, it was a good day.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 3
Out of Cookie Crips, I was relieved to discover that my dearest Nora had also purchased a box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch. She, like I, understands that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, even if one has it at 11am.
I loaded up my robe with supplies and made the long trek to the couch today. I felt tired and exhausted, but the progress was worth it.
I watched Netflix all day. I tried to watch Trailor Park Boys but it was awful, much like the leftover pizza I had around 2pm.
I watched a couple of Bill Burr specials. This mad me sad because I know I’ll never ever ever ever ever be as funny as him.
I watched a Ralphie May special and some of my hope of being good at comedy was restored. Then I googled “Ralphie May divorce” and found out what was really going on, thanks TMZ.
I started watching Peaky Blinders. I feel like part of it is in English and the other part is in some other language, but I like it.
I hung 3 pictures for my wife. I’m not looking forward to being sore from this tomorrow, but her joy will be worth the pain and possible trips to therapy.
I haven’t typed this much since I lost my job.
I need a nap.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 4
I love mornings. I woke up bright and early at 11am today and made breakfast – corn dogs and tater tots, the food of my people.
I went out and got the mail today; it felt great to exercise again.
Watched more Peaky Blinders on Netflix. I’m worried that if I continue to watch this show, I will develop a permanent British accent.
I made a things to do list today. The first item on the list was “Make a things to do list”.
I’m on fire.
I was going to mow the yard today, but it started to sprinkle, and so goes the lesson of the power of prayer.
I might have to start doing these updates via video format, as this typing has proven to be exhausting.
Pray for me, like I prayed for rain.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 5
I awoke at 4am. The storms had no effect on my inability to sleep. However, and in retrospect, perhaps Taco Bell at 11pm the previous eve was a miscalculation on my part.
I went to Stripes to get breakfast tacos, and by 8am I began to fear that Taco Bell followed by gas station breakfast tacos could prevent me from ever leaving the bathroom.
I was able to free myself from my porcelain shackle long enough to eat a Totino’s pizza. I wasn’t aware that Totino’s were no longer round, rather now rectangle in shape. I felt like I was back in junior high. It was nice to be young again, if only for a moment.
My dearest Nora stayed home with me today. She suggested that I use some strange device whose purpose was to remove hair from one’s face but I refused, as I shan’t participate in such witchery.
I did, however, use the showering area. It felt refreshing, even though my only option was Axe body wash.
I now smell like I drive a Trans Am.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 6
I awoke this morning to my dearest Nora telling me that she was off to get her hair colored (racist, I know, but she is from a different generation, and so I forgive her).
Before she left she kissed me gently betwixt mine eyes and then whispered into my ear that if I didn’t mow the yard today she was going to “take away my allowance”. She also mentioned, that much like my ragged face, and the lawn, my ears could “use a shaven”.
I arose in a panic, for if I were to lose my allowance, all sources of income I have left will have vanished (much like my career).
And so I mowed.
My ears first, then the lawn (I still refuse to mow my face, no matter the threats. It is my face…for now).
After a week of joblessness followed by a weekend of food and merriment (celebrating my 42 year on this earth) I decided to weigh myself. Few things in life have I have regretted more. I weighed in at a healthy sad pounds and shame ounces.
On the nose.
PS – Just kidding, I shaved. 😦
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 7
War is hell.
I have battled the yard for 2 days in a row now. My bones are weary and I now seek the comfort of a yard man.
I was attacked today by a winged beast. It flew about my head making an awful buzzing noise, so loud that I will hear it in my dreams for a fortnight. My feminine screams went unanswered by the men of the neighborhood, and so after running to a fro for what seemed like an eternity, I was able to gather my wits and thwart the beast with wasp spray (The juice of the angels, as I call it).
I may have lost my dignity, but that horse fly will never terrorize the good people of Benders Landing Estates ever again.
I do not want a parade as I do not consider myself hero; I simply had no choice.
I was bested by the sun yesterday and today. I forgot about my whiteness and after 2 days in the sun I am now burnt beyond repair. I have ordered enough aloe vera gel on Amazon to sooth the skin of a thousand men.
I also now understand that I am so out of shape that pushing a mower proved to be too much for me. I almost fainted. The security camera photo attached to this letter shall forever serve as a reminder of my feebleness.
The Jobless Chronicles, Day 8
Sleeping with sun burned legs is a hell I am now all too familiar with. I fear the Aloe Vera gel I have ordered will not arrive in time, and I will be forced to end my suffering by drowning myself in the new lake now forming in my backyard.
I convinced my dearest Nora to forego her duties at work today (much like I do myself every day) so as to ensure her safety. I did not anticipate that she would hog the TV and boss me around for most of the day.
I have made a huge mistake.
Today we finished the birthday cake my dearest Nora purchased for me this past weekend. It was delicious, but I have learned that black icing can cause quit the panic when viewed post-digestion.
I went to Subway today to acquire lunch for Nora and myself. There is no worst person on this planet than the person who orders a lot of sandwiches at once. My loud, exasperated sighs went unnoticed by the alarmingly large female servant of satan, who seemingly gave no shits about the people around her as she ordered 6, $6, 6inch sandwiches.
Sign of the devil indeed.
And so, I took a moment to pray. I asked the lord to allow me to find this woman flooded out in her car on my journey home so that I may pass her in my truck, at full speed, in the water, so as to cause wave upon angry wave of water to rush into her already flooded car, thus ruining her sandwiches and her day.
To be continued…
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